Misguided Emotions
by Kurishi
Summary: Suppose Kenshin finds out that Tomoe's a spy, but does not know of the reason to why she betrayed him. Before Keshin's promise to Tomoe of protecting her happiness. Full of angst and stoic coupling.
1. Default Chapter

I hope you enjoy the fic. Takes place during Kenshin's 'before life'. (a.k.a. the OVA's )  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 1. Longing  
  
I sit here quietly, writing in my journal as thoughts pass by my mind.. It has been months now since I have become this 'wife' of his. My assassin of a husband seems less distant than before, and dare I say.. ...Happier. He is still such a child, and sometimes I wonder about his past; what he has gone through, and how he has become what he is today. I wish there was some kind of way I could heal his broken heart.. And yet, at the same time.. I hate him. I hate him for the death of my fiancé; and I hate myself for the coward I had become. Not that I was ever brave..  
  
I know I am a sorry excuse for a woman, and that the spilling of the young boy's blood would make me happy. Yet.. This uncertainty.. It surrounds me.. This feeling.. It can not be love.. I will not betray Kiyosato!  
  
His killer, my false husband, he is always so near, and yet the space between us seems so far.. If I could just repay him for what he did.. But no. Someone else would take care of that in due time.  
  
I sighed.  
  
Gripping my hands, tears seared down my face to fall onto my lap, making darker spots on my kimono.  
  
..Was I really that kind of woman?  
  
I awoke from my endless musings when I heard footsteps quietly enter our home. 'Our' home, was it.. I opened my eyes, feeling guilty and confused as my thoughts plagued me. I felt his presence behind me and kept still as he walked across the floor boards, making them squeak, softly. I then felt a warm hand place it's self upon my shoulder and I narrowed my eyes.  
  
"Tomoe..", he spoke, his voice soft, mingled with a constant sadness and remorse, despite his youth.  
  
I opened my eyes as they reflected the small book that sat in front of me, now closed. Slowly, I turned my head to greet him, acting as if my thoughts never existed.  
  
"Hello", I spoke softly, shifting around upon my pillow as I rose my gaze to stare up, into his.  
  
He placed something gently in my hair. I lifted my hand and lithe fingertips ran over something soft, and slightly damp from the rain. To my astonishment, it was a flower. A single iris that I plucked from my hair to hold between two, pale fingertips. Still surprised by such a kind gesture that was so unlike him, I stared down at the flower, and could not help but release the faintest of smiles.  
  
"Arigatou..", I thanked him under my breath as I still held the thread of kindness that he had shown towards me.  
  
"Irises.. They suit you", he spoke, now standing straight and looking away.   
  
The boy then turned on his heel and lightly tapped outside near our small patch of crops and sat beside them, admiring the life that he grew, instead of destroyed.  
  
I paused, staring at the floor boards for another moment before ascending my gaze. He was trying to make me feel bad.. Trying to win me over, more and more.. But he had not. No. Not yet.. 'Yet?', I asked myself. He can not get that far.. Not live that long. I clutched my chest.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
It was later that night and he was no where to be found. I knew he would not venture far, or at least, I hoped not.   
  
I was again tending to my journal, that flower that he gave me, placed near my left hand, upon the small desk. My eyes wandered towards it to linger, and I asked myself; 'why do I keep admiring it so? '  
  
It was getting late and my patience was wearing, so I simply rose from my spot and stepped towards my futon to kneel beside it, and adjust the blanket. My hand moved over the cool material, smoothing it, before crawling in. I sighed, somewhat relieved that I could sleep now.  
  
A noise then sounded, and again, I assumed it was him. My head was clear for now, all my thoughts drained , then caught in the contents of my journal. I was in a state of peace. Such a rarity, it was. I snuggled my head affectionately against my pillow as if it were him. Which man I was thinking of, I would never reveal.  
  
The footsteps continued, and I kept still, not caring -- only sleep was on my mind. I knew he would just rest against the wall, like usual, with his sword in hand, as if he cherished it. He probably did, I thought with a smirk.  
  
Everything seemed like the usual, until something dropped beside me.. I kept my eyes shut, not understanding why he would dare to come so close. He did not deserve me warmth. He..  
  
I twitched, my eyes immediately shooting open as a hand skimmed over the flesh of my neck, and down to my shoulder. What was this? What was he doing? He could not be thinking of..  
  
"Tomoe..", he spoke in a tone that was eerily sweet as his other hand slid under my neck.  
  
"Ken.. shin..", I asked, my breathing picking up pace.  
  
"Tomoe.. you.. betrayed me..", his voice was lower now as I felt his breath trail over. His hands surrounded my neck now completely, and I felt his strength.. Not his full power, but something strong and needy, just the same.  
  
Fear tore through my heart and my eyes grew wide as my breath caught in my throat. Would this be the last breath I could take?  
  
His grip tightened, and he slipped one hand away to turn me around by the thighs to face him.  
  
He was emotionless.  
  
Those eyes, they stared down at me with no pity or softness at all. Not even the usual, golden glint laid in them, like when he was fighting. Simply an emotionless stare.. Almost completely black except for the small dotted glow that hit his eyes from the candlelight.  
  
I was frozen in fear.  
  
He leaned down, to dip his head, and touch his bottom lip to mine as his gaze lingered aimlessly across the room.  
  
I held my breath, hands shaky, and slowly rising from their spots to silently plea with him; beg for forgiveness. Or would it be easier to die?  
  
I wondered.  
  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Wanna know what happens huh? Wanna know what happens!? Well, you'll see when I make a Chapter 2. ;D ..But I would *luv* some reviews first! 


	2. Panic

Weee, at least I got *some* reviews! Anyway, let's see what happens to the stoic couple..  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 2. Panic  
  
My eyes began to fill with tears, my hands still suspended in mid air as he held my neck strongly, yet at the same time, gently.. I decided that all my pleading and hoping would soon be in vain.. My life flashed before my eyes; my father's face, Kiyosato's death, and when I first met Kenshin; these things burning the deepest in my mind: The men of my life.  
  
His head had already lifted from my lips and he towered over me as he kneeled. I felt like the child now. I was at his mercy, and he would end my life soon. It would all be over, soon..  
  
I could not breath and he had not even began to choke me. Desperately seeking a way to comfort him; to calm him down or even let this poor soul surrender to me, my hands reached up and began to stroke his cheek with the back of my fingertips, tenderly.  
  
He froze for a moment and almost seemed to wake up, and the elusive feeling of hope -- I grasped it! Please.. Please Kenshin.. Yes.. Yes you know now of my plan, of my betrayal, but can you not see this from my point of you? Can you not understand the constant torture that has been residing in my soul ever since he died? -- Ever since I met you?  
  
"Ken.. shin...", I whispered, once more, my voice quivering as the tears overflowed my eyes, clouding my vision. I was beginning to wonder why he was hesitating.. This killer, did he care for me? I began asking myself many questions.. Who told him of my plan? And what did they hope to accomplish by my insignificant death? My voice squeaked as he tightened his grip now. I felt like I was in a dream as I watched him through foggy eyes.  
  
Then suddenly, he shut his eyes tight, his grip becoming simply unbearable for a moment.. then he let go. Those shaky, sword calloused hands of the youth just let go of my neck, pulled back quickly, then placed themselves on either side of my body, his head bowed as crimson bang strands shrouded his face.  
  
I gasped, eyes opening wide as the tears ran off the side of my cheeks and stained the sides of my pillow. I didn't know what to do -- what to say. I was in a state of shock, horrified, and yet in some way happy.. Yes, happy! Happy.. Happy that he even touched me. I suddenly felt shame and closed my eyes tightly.  
  
"Why..", he spoke lowly after pulling away from me to sit with his hands resting over the sides of his thighs.  
  
'Why..? Why?!', the voice in my head screamed as my hands tightened into painful fists. I wanted to shout at him!; scold him for what he did like some kind of angry mother. But instead, I bit the inside of my lip, drawing blood, then gathered the courage to sit up. I was cautious.. This boy, he was a loose cannon.. A time bomb, waiting to explode.. Yet my eyes fell softly upon his near form.  
  
"Kenshin.. The ones that told you of my trespasses.. Did they really not tell you of my reasons?", asked my voice in a hushed tone. Did I really seem like the kind of girl who enjoyed betrayal? Especially with my life at state?  
  
"No.. ", was answered, hardly a whisper..  
  
I was afraid to touch him, but oh how I wanted to. To embrace him. To hold him.. He had nearly killed me, and took something away from me earlier that was so precious. 'Why? Why show pity to *him?*', I asked myself.  
  
Because no one else would.  
  
It was a silly reason, but I believed it. Why did I let my compassion get the best of me? Perhaps.. It was merely maternal instincts, I thought.  
  
And so, with one large, mental inhale of courage, I dared to scoot closer to the Hitokiri, inch by inch..  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I've just been itching to write a fanfic staring this couple after watching the end of the OVA. Just such a tragic story! -blows her nose, loudly.- Anyway, tell me if you liked it or not. 


	3. Feeling

Not much to say here. Onward, j00!  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 3. Feeling  
  
I was mere inches away from the child's face, all the while, daring to draw closer as I crawled on my hands and knees.. My eyes pulsated as my nerves stood on end, my breath wavering as I watched him, unsteadily. What would be the outcome of my wanting to touch him? ..If it was my death, then so be it. I would be leaving one man, and joining another..  
  
He did not stir and his head was still bowed as jagged strands shielded the view of his eyes.. If I did not know better, I could have sworn he was asleep.. But not a peaceful slumber.. Not in a position like that.. So ready to strike, and bitter with anguish from the news that he was given, concerning me..  
  
I wondered, at that moment, if we had really become so close.. If the news of my betrayal pained him to that degree.. Then reality flashed back in my mind, like lightening. I hesitated for a moment as one hand gripped the covers beneath me, and the other.. ever so slowly, rose to just graze the brilliant shine of his bang strands in the moonlight..  
  
He gasped softly in the darkness, and for the first time that night, I saw something real within his eyes.. Something human and innocent; lost and beautiful, in his reflective gaze..  
  
I breathed through my nose slowly, then guided my fingers tips along his hair, then through the veil, to place the warmth of my palm upon his scarred cheek.  
  
Staring at me with those eyes, he still kept still, and I drew closer.  
  
I closed my eyes and almost seemed to drift forward as my chin lifted, and hands fell to claim either of his sleeves, softly clutching.  
  
I could still feel his heated gaze pass through me, and I remembered how the split second before I closed in on him, how his eyes pinpointed my lips, and lingered there before rising to meet my own.  
  
This could not be him.. How could this shell of a human be anyone, I thought? No. This was the result of seeing too much bloodshed. Seeing so much red that it was all you saw, and did not effect you anymore.. I was becoming like that.. Or was I already such an emotion deprived human being?   
  
My eyes clenched shut, holding back the tears as I leaned into him..   
  
My lips slightly parted, and my head tilted gently to the side, sending strands of ebon to slide along my cheeks. Those tiers came in contact with mine, and I felt the rest of my body melt against his; turning into useless flesh.. We barely touched, and I did not add any extra pressure to the kiss, yet my lips were screaming out to be claimed.  
  
He flinched when I furthered my touch, his fingers quivering at his sides. I could tell he had not been kissed before, and I mentally smiled that I was the first.. I supposed that deep in my heart, such tenderness would reach him; that such gentile fondness would help him somehow regain his humanity.. I hoped I was not wrong, for I truly wanted to understand this enigma of a husband.. I sighed on his lips. I felt so desperate.  
  
I felt a hand glide up my side steadily, then brush my cheek with somewhat rough knuckles. I opened my eyes sharply, staring in wide awe as he stared back, our lips still against one another. I was silent and so was he -- not that either of us could talk, anyway. A part of me hoped that this would not turn out to be one final goodbye kiss before it all ended, and the other part almost wished it was so.. I would not mind dying like this.. I would not mind dying whilst having some kind of reassuring warmth against me, especially since it was such a rarity..  
  
"..Kenshin...", I spoke as I broke the soft, yet ever so intense kiss that we held as one, my eyes gazing up into those shades of blue and I felt something clench around my heart. I watched as he closed his eyes and fell forward, as if in slow motion, his forehead eventually pressing against mine, and I felt the warmth spread from that point of his body. I blushed in the hushed darkness, and sheepishly observed the youth that had nearly killed me earlier, yet now seemed passed out, against me. I held my voice in my throat, and breathed softly through my mouth. My hands ascended, once more, and claimed both sides of his face greedily for my own, gently smoothing his cheeks and the occasional loose strands of hair with the palms of my hands.. How innocent he appeared, I thought.. How deceitful his image was, I mused..  
  
"Tomo..e..", he shyly stared back into my eyes as he looked up, and I suddenly felt fearful and giddy, all at the same time. I released a long breath, and I mentally chuckled as he mimicked me, making my bangs sway. I then closed my eyes before answering him.  
  
"Yes, Kenshin..?", I asked softly.  
  
He simply shifted in his spot, then gazed downwards, eyelids half closed. I rubbed my forehead against his own, revering at the warm feeling that spread through me. I was lost in my own spotlight that he and I only shared.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
You like? Sorry for the somewhat short chapters -- this is just how I write. x.x; It's easier for me to have it split into several, moderate lengthed chapters, such as this, rather than a few hella long ones. Let's have some more reviews. ^o^ I rather like them. xD 


	4. Discovery

Wee! I'm like actually writing fics.. O.o With actual chapters.. Wee for me! -pulls up slacks and smacks belleh-  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Chapter 4. Discovery  
  
I awoken from the sanctuary of my dreams by the sound of rain. I listened as it fell in a light, constant downpour, my eyes focused upon nothing as I stared. Kenshin seemed to hesitate before expressing what he needed to ask me so desperately. He pulled away, glancing to the side, and gripped the bed sheets between strong fingers. I simply kept in a kneeled position, and sat up straight, my gaze slowly rising. I cantered my head, then outstretched my hand to cup his cheek, and gently glided my thumb over his scar in a soft, comforting manner.  
  
He jerked his head sharply away, narrowing those cold, blue eyes, and making me frown. Not knowing what to do, and not wanting to upset him further, I silently stared down at my futon, and wondered what I did wrong..  
  
"Why.. Why did you betray me, Tomoe?", he coolly asked.  
  
'Oh, that', I thought. 'Well there is a good reason..', I mused, the thought having two meanings. I turned away nervously as I prepared to envelop him with all I had been going through since that curse'ed day. .. But it was funny; after all I had lost, and what could have been, I was almost content with the way things were going now. Almost content with Kenshin. I was reluctant to share my grief with him, for he would look at me differently.. Pity me. I just somehow knew he would. True, he did need to know of my past; and yes, I did need to cleanse myself of this secrecy. But.. it was so hard to do now.. I started to open my mouth, but only sputters of words slipped out. I lowered my head in shame.  
  
Finally, he graced me with his almost vapid gaze, which I felt, burning into my face, but I still did not turn around to face him, for all the world. I assumed that he was loosing patience, for he grabbed the collar of my kimono and yanked me roughly to him, my hair flowing in a whip of ebon behind me. I did not even gasp at the sudden action, as he held me, almost protectively, against him. I simply lay limp in his arms... Sweet rapture.  
  
"Tell me.. Tell me now! I want reasons, and I want them now!", he whispered hastily from above me; his tone daring me to even attempt movement.  
  
I kept an emotionless stare across the room, again.. my lips sealed. I did not want to speak for all the world.. My head simply lay against his chest as I felt peaceful, ignoring his pleas; taking in his scent.. 'Oh Kenshin', I thought. 'Do not ask me this.. Not now. Please..! Do not make me remember...'  
  
"Tomoe...", he spoke as he gripped at my kimono. "Just.. tell me.. why..", his tone grew desperate and my heart skipped a beat.  
  
"Tomoe.. please..", his embrace tightened and he crushed me against his chest, making me finally let out a faint gasp. His face buried into my hair, and I felt warmth seep into my scalp.. moisture. He was crying. How ever did I bring such a man to tears? I blinked innocently as I felt it rain, now inside our home.  
  
"Ken.. shin..", I whispered as my dark eyes softened.. I felt him rub his face into my hair more, and he closed his eyes, breathing in my scent and releasing a beautiful sigh.. I attempted to sit up, but he still held me firmly in place, as if I were the most significant thing in the world to him.  
  
He slowly released me in a passing moment. I turned my head slowly around and squinted as I stared in a kind of awe.. His eyes, they shone with the visible tears of a child. My chest heaved a sigh as my fingertips touched his chapped lips. I trailed my nails along the inside of his bottom lip when his mouth slightly gaped opened, feeling their tenderness and warmth.  
  
I felt so relaxed now, so at ease, that I failed to realize what I let slip through. Three simple words passed my lips:  
  
"You killed him..", I softly stated.  
  
He used his own shoulder to wipe his eyes, then stared back at me with unnerving suspense.  
  
"Who did I kill?"  
  
"You killed many.. but he..", I glanced to the side, acting as if it were just a normal conversation; almost displaying enough tenacity to act playful as I fiddled with my slender fingers, and rested in his arms like a newborn, who now sat draped across his lap. "But he.. was my fiancé..", I whispered shyly, my fingers now rising to meet my own lips as I blushed, tears forming at the corners of my eyes.  
  
"I..", he started, his eyes wide now as he fell forward. I smiled morbidly, then caught him in mid-fall.  
  
"Kenshin..", I began with utmost tenderness. "I forgive you.. It took me a while.. But I forgive you..", was whispered as my lips reached his ear. 'Death.. It should take more time than this to forgive', I grimaced, shutting my eyes. Would I lie to my heart, just so I would not be alone again?  
  
"T-Tomoe..", he stuttered, then pulled away, gripping me by the shoulders and trying to stare into my eyes, which were cast away from him. "I.. I did not mean to--"  
  
"Of course you did, Kenshin", I interrupted. "Your job was to kill him, after all.. That *was* what you meant to do", I reminded him, facing him now as my eyes narrowed. I could not help it -- could not hold it back. I did not forgive this man..  
  
He shut his eyes tightly, and gripped my shoulders even more. "Tomoe..", he desperately called to me, seeking strength which I could not give to him.   
  
"Kenshin..", I cooed, then a surge of pain made me shut my eyes. "You are.. hurting me.."  
  
He opened his eyes then released me with blood-stained fingers, then slowly pulled back as his eyes kept wide and fixated on my face.  
  
"More red..", I mused, eyeing his fingertips. "Why do you have to make everything bleed?", I asked in a half-whisper before falling forward, and fainting in his arms as everything went black.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Hoho, 'tis done. Hope it wasn't too bad. -clasps hands- I tried to make it longer, and it is.. a little more than the last chapter, at least. -bites her lip- Reviews, of course, always welcomed! 


End file.
